The Football Relation
by teoriapostmoderna
Summary: In the car going home from Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's, Penny deals with a raging headache, witnesses a new side of Shamy she wasn't aware of and has an epiphany on herself and her own relationship with Leonard.


**Author's notes: **_Needless to say − no, actually, I need to because I want to − a huge thank you once again to my dear beta and bestie from another continent, ZephyrCamida. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!_

_Thanks again to all of you who commented, favourited and generally took the time to read my fics._

_...and now for something completely different. This was originally planned as a Shamy oneshot, then turned into a Shamy with a Penny POV, then a Penny POV with both Shamy and Leonard/Penny, with hints of the friendship that unites them. I had so much fun writing Penny, I hope another plot bunny including her visits me soon. lol_

_Unnecessary comments aside, enjoy!_

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**The Football Relation**

The city lights illuminated the monochrome streets of the night with an orange tinge. From Penny's watching space of the right side window in a speeding car, images of asphalt, trees, white lines breached into the feeble barrier of her tired field of vision one after the other in rapid succession, shooting through her intoxicated brain in a way that brought to mind the swirling motions of clothes in a washing machine that could be seen from a front-loading washer.

_...and where did _that_ come from?_

The insistent pounding in her head was associated at once to the equally annoying knocking on her door at some ungodly hour of the night − _like 7 AM_ − courtesy of that whackadoodle of her neighbour− until he showed him the hard Nebraska way to never do that again if he cared about his life.  
Only one person was allowed to do so and got away with it (most of the times), and was now driving her, himself, said weirdo and her self-appointed bestie − a term she used for her, too, at least in the privacy of her thoughts − home.

The backseat of the car was getting some action and not thanks to her and Leonard.

A drunk as a skunk Sheldon was struggling with his girlfriend to get his hands on any part of her body he could reach while poor Amy was keeping him at bay.

She was having too much fun peeking through the rearview mirror and be a first-hand spectator of this never before seen show. Penny knew just how wild he could be with alcohol in his body − of course she did, she was the one to slip him a drink or two on occasion/her own enjoyment − but that weird... well, even more weird... _horny_ Sheldon was so beyond everything she ever thought possible that her mind blacked out for a split second.

The blonde regretted her stealthy action, though, when Leonard took a curve sharply and the sudden movement, added to the lost focus on the road, inspired a vicious release of pain in her temples that spread all over her head like a hot facial sauna.

_Alcohol plus car equals− worst combination ever._

Penny shut her eyes and, pressing both palms of her hands on the sides of her head, she crumpled like used paper. This wasn't the first and, knowing herself, wasn't certainly the last time she would pay the consequences for her behaviour. Why couldn't people just get the good stuff out the booze? instead of this S&M bullshit it put everyone through.

_...and they all keep coming back for more._

A consoling hand drew circles on her upper back. Only when her senses picked up on the fact that the car was no longer moving, she gathered that that was Leonard.

«Look straight ahead. It helps» he assured bending down, searching for her eyes.

«That's easy for you to say» she sputtered.

He pulled back like a hurt puppy, but she didn't have to remind him to not try to fix everything over and over again. Things happened. They needed to pass.

_Just like this hangover._

Leonard didn't add anything to that, he just inclined forward, turned back to see if other cars were incoming and started the car again after making sure the road was clear.

«As easy as it is for you to say I do?» guessed Sheldon in a hoarse voice. _Vomit's fault._

He had unbuckled his seatbelt and, throwing all caution to the wind − in each and every way, was now pressing and rubbing his face on Amy's chest like a cat in heat, doing his best to unbutton her coat − which still was not good enough, since her very aware and sober reflexes were either blocking his hands, or keeping them away from the important parts.

That girl had a resistance and will of steel; she wasn't planning to use her boyfriend's state to her advantage. Penny couldn't say the same about herself, she had a radical approach to sex: go for it... with either your senses still intact or with a little push, thanks to Mr. A, as she called it affectionately. She remembered one house party−

−but she was getting distracted.

«Oh, shut up, Sheldon» she snapped, two minutes too late.

Something else recoiled inside her as a familiar feeling started spreading in her stomach up to her throat. She bent forward with a violent urge to cough, covering her mouth with her hands.

«I need to vomit...» she was able to say between the spasms.

Leonard pushed the brake little by little. «Do you want me to stop the car?» he called for her answer.

«Yes, and get her out. I don't want her vomit in a car I also use» Sheldon replied in her place.

He was drunk, getting busy with Amy, and he even had time and mental strength to make remarks? Penny knew how to shut him up.

«Would you like to know we had sex in here?» she fumed, then added: «Multiple times.»

That did it. For all she knew, he was one throwing himself out of the vehicle now.

Leonard brought her head to his eye level. After that, he turned the car light on with a flick of his finger and stared intently in her pupils. Despite the apparent love scene, his clinical approach suggested he was looking for some sign or the other.

«I'm fine, sweetie» She added a smile at the end to sound convincing. «Keep going. I can handle it.»

He ignored her. However, as soon as he attested all was okay − under what premise, she wasn't sure − he got flyaways out her face with his breath and caressed her cheek with his thumb. Simple gestures, but he had her wish they were home already; she only desidered to be lulled into sleep with his pillow talk.

«How are you feeling, Sheldon? I know the backseat is not the best position, but Penny is my priority» he smiled as he said that, just as he was turning the engine back on. He couldn't see her, but she returned the gesture.

Penny could do with the distraction. She decided to play along.

«Didn't you vomit your soul at Mrs. Wolowitz's house?» she asked, mimicking the act of vomit with her hand.

«I helped Bernadette clean that up. It wasn't very pleasant» Amy interjected.

Leonard switched on the turn signal and overtook a slow car: the two people in there were too busy making out to care.

«Maybe he's just taking advantage of that to have his head−»

Penny snickered.

«−on Amy's lap when we get home» he hinted.

Penny did a double take.

_I thought he meant− oh gross, gross, gross!_

The mental images that took form were so disgusting that not even Bernadette recounting her sexcapades with her hubby Howie − a chill crossed her spine − were that horrific. Well, maybe they were on a different side on the same level of awful, but equally scarring.

Amy's face turned ten different shades of red in matter of seconds, while Sheldon was stubbornly pretending they didn't exist, with his face in the crook of her neck and his hands on her thighs − she was making sure, yet again, that his hands didn't travel too far up. He might have looked asleep − and he did, to his girlfriend − but she knew better: he playing dumb − even he knew all the men tricks in the book. She was astounded to say the least.

Sheldon brushed his nose behind Amy's ear, making her shiver.

«Sleep with me tonight?» he murmured.

Penny braced herself, bug-eyed. Was this really happening? She was about to hit Leonard's arm, but his knowing grin left her baffled. Did he... did they have bro talks she wasn't aware of?!

Sheldon Cooper was the most anal retentive person she had ever come across in her − obviously short − life, but when Amy Farrah Fowler popped out of nowhere thanks a to dating site, his wall of defense lowered, and she started plucking bricks all over. Penny had a feeling − and when she had one, she was usually right: that wall was about to crumble under its own weight. And then she would have to bake a _Congrats on the sex!_ cake; her bestie made her promise. She did, but couldn't promise in return that the cake was going to be edible.

She straightened on her seat but that made her body react like she just rumbled down a spiral staircase − which actually happened once.

Another distraction wouldn't hurt, especially since that ride home was assuming the proportion of a coast to coast trip. Was it the alcohol's fault or−?

She turned on the radio, raising the volume way up.

The distorted voice sang: «What does the fox say?»

«This song...!» Penny cracked up.

Leonard chuckled while taking the left. He operated the steering wheel with secure movements. Being in the car with him was an unexpected pleasure even in this state − she just appreciated what unfolded before her and took it all in: how he put his arm on her seat when parking, the veins in his forearms twitching, his hand jerking the gear stick... She was kind of getting turned on.

«Oh dear Lord... turn that damn thing off, will ya?» came a distinct Texas drawl from the back.

Sheldon was double the drunk she was − with half of the alcoholic contents consumed, nonetheless, compared to her − and he could still make sense. He only drank, what, 12 beers? Pfft. She had that bottle of wine they brought before dinner, a couple of beers with other wine, then that homemade liquor made by Mrs. Wolowitz... that was the bomb.

She leaned in a suggestive way for Leonard to shut the radio, but her plan backfired when she splattered against the board like an insect on the windshield − he braked at the last second and barely avoided the car in front. Knowing her plan was working, she recomposed and pressed the button; all the while her eyes were fixed on him. He was playing the part of the diligent driver well, but she knew his weakness − he, too, wasn't fooling anyone.

«Would you rather... _Get Lucky_?» Penny grinned at "sleepy" Sheldon.

Amy gave her the typical deer-caught-in-headlights kind of look.

«I have no idea what you're talking about» he rebuffed.

Leonard stole a glance over his shoulder, then at his girlfriend, who was hell bent on getting her point straight across.

«Listen to me, Ames, this might be your chance: don't waste it! It's the first time you see him drunk, but...» she erupted in laughter. «Remember that time he mooned everybody?» she addressed her boyfriend, tapping him on the shoulder, but not getting a response was the same as having a conversation with herself: the boys were ignoring her and her bestie was just as quiet.

_Weird._

«Okay, I think they get the point» Leonard stopped her.

«You're taking her side?» she rebutted.

«In what? Can't you tell they're uncomfortable?» he pointed at the back of the car, raising his brows.

_Those stupid eyebrows._

Silence dropped between them like a heavy curtain; but then, something far more unexpected that went beyond silly sex jokes took place. Sheldon wrapped his fingers around Amy's wrists, holding it tight for a second, before intertwining his hand with hers. She was startled, but eased into his touch.

An image above all stood out in Penny's mind: children building sand castles. She couldn't help it: the biggest smile escaped her lips. She was paralyzed in pure bliss.

«Awww, isn't Shamy adorable? Like two puppies» she told Leonard, shaking his knee.

«Puppies, huh?» he repeated.

«Except for when Sheldon gets all hot and bothered for his vixen» she winked at the rest of the car.

The car came to a halt at a crossroad. The traffic lights were out and flashed yellow.

As if they were caught stealing from the cookie jar, Shamy were dragged back to planet Earth from their sugar high; they didn't expect Penny's reaction, however, and just stood there dumbfounded. She was watching over them like a fairy godmother on drugs.

_They are so cute._

Leonard was checking left and right to make sure the road was clear: even if the lights were still working, he was being extra careful − at this hour, on Thanksgiving night, all sorts of... animals escaped from the zoo were roaming the streets.

She unbuckled her seatbelt, leaning over him to whisper in his ear, while her hand traveled dangerously up his thigh.

«When we get home, I want to show you just how much I love you.»

To prove her point further, she gave him a squeeze.

«When you say it like that...» Leonard nodded to himself more than her.

«Don't distract the driver, Penny! And don't drag innocent bystanders in your public sexual display» Sheldon chastised, not considering his own actions a few minutes earlier.

Leonard went soft in her hand.

_Sheldon Cooper: instant turn off._

She returned in her seat and gave him a playful kiss on the cheek as he helped her buckle her seatbelt back on before taking control of the wheel.

«Look who's talking. You gave your girlfriend a good slap on the butt in front of everybody and I wasn't there to see it» she said as if missing the event meant the end of her life.

«You were busy getting an annulment» he replied.

«Touché» added Amy in a whisper.

Those two knew where to hit.

Fingers tapped her on the knee.

«Please drop this or we're not getting out of this car with our will to live still intact» mouthed Leonard before taking control of the wheel.

Penny responded with a weird gesture that was between a nod and a sway.

«So what got you drunk? I wasn't there» she asked Sheldon, deviating the subject.

«Mike offered me a beer.»

«Mike?»

«Bernadette's dad» he hastened to reply.

«Oh, right, right» she remembered. «Why, though? I don't see how you could relate with anyone. Especially him.»

Amy was supporting Sheldon with the hand that wasn't holding his, and with reason: all three of them − yes, Penny included − had to drag him to the car. The blonde herself could have drank, but at least she could walk... and she was in heels!

He straightened up stretching his neck, twisting it.

«As you know, we were watching football. I commented on it and he seemed surprised as to why I understand its rules − so I told him about my dad. When he asked if I ever shared a beer with him, he offered me one. That is all.»

«Oh, right. You watched it with your dad» she said.

«Yes» Sheldon confirmed drily.

He had two sets of eyes on him: she was concentrating on his words, trying to filter them and grasp their meaning − on the opposite end of the spectrum, Amy didn't need to.

Leonard, too, was all ears.

Penny tested the waters: «Do you miss your dad?» she asked. «As much as my own wanted a boy and made me play it with him, now I... I miss it − those moments. It was... bonding, you know?»

She drew a sphere with her hands for whatever reason.

It was alcohol's fault − she was sure of that − but her eyes were watering. As much as the reality that her Hollywood dreams were destined to remain just that hit hard still, she had a boyfriend that loved and cared for her, a group of friends she could count on... as cheesy as that sounded, she was leading a wonderful life. Still, that didn't mean she didn't miss home; she did − everyday.

_Why didn't I wear waterproof mascara?_

Sheldon shrugged his shoulders. «It's nothing like that. I just wanted to relax. Be nice.»

«Be nice?» Leonard prompted him.

«Shelbot having a beer − socializing? ...with a stranger?» She was beyond confused, but still laughed at her own joke: «Are you Bender?»

Sheldon had nothing to answer; he just stared out of the window. Right when she thought that this forced exchange to avoid awkward silence in this endless car ride was agonizing − which she considered strange to say the least: this was Sheldon, he could beat any conversation to death if he wanted to − he spoke three unexpected words: «Stop the car.»

«What?» said Penny, flatly.

«Sheldon» called Amy.

She squinted her eyes to make sure she wasn't seeing things, but her senses were speaking the truth: the car had stopped. It was parked at the side of the street.

The driver let go of the steering wheel and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

He wasn't letting him go by foot... was he?

«It's been a long day for everyone. Can we just go home? I'll make tea.» Just as he was receiving a rather doubtful look from his girlfriend, he added: «Yes, for you, too.»

«Thank you» breathed her bestie.

«I take your offer, but let Amy do it − you either let it brew for too long or not at all and it's awful» was all Sheldon needed to say to make Leonard count to ten.

_...and probably wish he kicked him out this time._

Penny rested her hand on her boyfriend's knee, then looked at the man in the backseat.

«Don't say that again. It hurts» he said.

«Sorry for that, sweetie» She tilted her head to her side: «Ames, take care of him when we get home. Do you mind staying over?»

«I don't» she said, trying to sound as neutral as possible. «Should you start the car, then?» she then suggested to Leonard, who nodded with a knowing smile and turned on the engine.

The blonde opened the carwindow a tiny slit, to let fresh air into the car; as the welcome cool breeze hit her face, her eyes raised to the rearview mirror to see if it bothered anyone.

Sheldon was still holding Amy's hand. She was telling him something, but the sound of the car engine combined with barely uttered words weren't going to help. His head hang on her shoulder, but he was carefully listening to whatever his girlfriend was telling him and nodded a couple of times.

When he lifted his head, his eyes lingered on her lips before they traveled to her eyes. Penny wished she could be in the same position she was now and be a spectator when Leonard and her did this: looked at each other the way people in love do.

She was just about to tell him this, but then reconsidered, thinking that those were words for another day, for another time.

* * *

**Note:** _Bender is the robot character from Futurama who feeds himself with beers, hence the reference. I thought he would be a pretty well known character, but apparently not. Just clearing this up in case it confuses anyone! :)_


End file.
